What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 01:43
I was 9 years of age.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She married twice! .
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
She loved him until the end.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i do to all so called friends.?
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
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Ive learnt so much.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Would this be the day?
Has anyone tried bestiality and been caught?
One cannot live in the past .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My life is so biszare .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
So, i spoilt her more .
How can I get over a break up?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I write beautiful poetry .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I said to her
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I never cut or harmed myself..
But ive been too sick for many years..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I waited trembling.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Put me off passion for life!!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
All the time i was locked up.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She found it foreign!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
This is soul school!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He knew the spot.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
When she asked me how she looked .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We were not on the streets..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was very sick at this time too.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She wouldn,t have been !
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She was in good health!
What did i know ?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was seconnd youngest,
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Comes on , in middle age.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My family never makes their pension either.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was scared of men, in general
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I think the readers, may guess!
I have no regrets .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
So whats the point in blame.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But, we were locked up after school.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But it wasn’t much.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We all went to grammer schools
I will be 64.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I don,t even have a pension.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
It was going to be , some day.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Who then, do I blame.?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And i lived it daily.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Im still living with it.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.